In one of my many guises I provide tech support for friends. As founder of Capitol City Informatics I am endeavoring to turn that guise into profit. So with that in mind, I confess to being afraid, being very afraid, of my next assignment. I have to set up a wireless connection on a laptop at an acquaintance's house and download Windows 10 and this person in a hoarder. There is nary a place to sit down in the townhouse, much less swing a dead cat. And I wouldn't be surprise that along with all the other clutter there was in fact a dead cat. If it were I and I lived among such clutter I would be embarrassed to have another soul see my clutter. But she is afraid to de-clutter and is constantly gaining more clutter (Damn you Dollar General, 5 Below and all those other similar stores). She even tries to clutter my life with the detritus of her life. And since I have helped her in the past she expects me on Monday to set her up.
I started Capitol City Informatics to provide gentle technical support for the technologically challenged, hoping to turn a avocation to a vocation in my golden years or retirement, whichever comes first. I have all manner of computers, tablets and smart phones, a regular Techno-Slut am I. I can work in any given operating system and provide hands-on guidance. I don't merely show people how to do something, I guide them through it until they feel confident doing it themselves. I like to say I provide information technology with a human touch; in fact that is the verso of my business card. I have bookmarks, magnetic calendars, pens and so on. Bumper stickers should be issued.
My challenge has always been to let people see what they are capable of and letting them do it. This hoarder is a huge challenge and I confess to being a little, alright more than a little, passive aggressive with her. That is also my challenge. Being bipolar I never know if my initial reactions are overreactions of the psyche. I am afraid of "going off" on someone because of misfiring neurons. So generally speaking I tolerate fools gladly, even when that is the last thing I wish to do. The Hoarder, as she is now such, also expects me to know all her passwords and calls me at odd hours to get on her tablet when she has lost her connection and doesn't know how to reconnect. I have gently guided her through this process time and again, even getting a specific tablet to help her. It's maddening.
But I have set myself up as a functional expert and when I lose it I lose it big. So just going to her townhouse is going to be very stressful. She'd like me to come right away but I have a gig at the synagogue tomorrow night and that is causing me some anxiety so I put her off until Monday which I have off but the last thing I want to do is set-up a computer in the midst of that chaos. I'd like to have a few days to myself to rest and not be around people, much less clutter. I have been on the go for the last two weeks. I require some downtime.
The same is true of the Old Duffer. Passive aggressive am I. I bought him a new guitar tuner in the hopes that he could actually tune his guitar and keep it in tune. I have such great expectations. I try to gently tell him things about music but he puts on his professorial demeanor and runs roughshod over me. So I end up sending messages to the rabbi that say things like "just kill me...he is just killing me". Of course the rabbi is concerned and really he is the last person you should ask to kill you because the Old Duffer is making me miserable again and I lack the testicularity to say NO. I can't say no to anyone.
I seem to have problems setting boundaries which I attribute to the bipolar and my fear of over-reacting. So I just don't say no to anyone. That is ultimately what drove me back to therapy in the first place; the inability to set clear and healthy boundaries. Such was the case when I lived in the condo and the whole complex seemed not unlike a dorm with people pulling on me in all directions. I did get out of that situation but the problem remains. Two Old Duffers, one Hoarder and all manner of people to help.
And so it goes.
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