The Un-Hyphen

The new therapist seems to be working well.  I had a few bad days last week and was able to get in to see her and work out some issues.  Sophie thinks I have SAD but I really know I just have the D of it.  Not the best time of year for me.  Last night was the thirtieth anniversary or Yahrzeit, of my beloved grandmother Dorothy's death. She was riding in a funeral procession in a car driven by her sister Betty and two of her sisters with her when the car was hit by a Monthomery Ward's truck, killing her instantly and severely injuring her sister Betty.  The other two sisters wer shaken up but otherwise good.  I received that wonderful phone call at work on a Friday afternoon.  By 4:00 I was home in Detroit and had the "pleasure" of telling my mother that her mother was dead.  She seemed nonplussed until she had half a fifth of bourbon and thought she should show some sign of grief.  I was, how do you say, numb for about ten years.  I was unable to grieve or process what had happened.  Years later when I was in a mental hospital the grief finally overwhelmed me.  So I lost my grandmother, ten years and my partner at the time,

Last night, with the proceeds of my change jar and my Tzedakah box, I made a donation in her name to my synagogue and took friends to dinner and then we went to a great jazz concert where I managed to fall asleep any number of times.  I had lit the memorial candle for my grandmother and pondered all that has happened than brought me to this place thirtty years later.

Still pondering today I took a few walks and went to look at Christmas lights in the neighborhood, including a strange nativity display with C3PO and R2D2, among other oddities.  The house, if interested, is located on Touraine, two houses north of Saginaw in East Lanaing.  About three blocks east of Coolidge,  I hear tell that it plays the Imperial March as a passerby passes by.  How that affected my mood I don't know.

I am a bit moody right now, in spite of Star War's nativity.  I was concerned that my porch lights might be misconstrued as a sign of me celebrating Christmas so I changed the lights from white to Green, an homage to my Spartans.

Things continue to be emotionally tough on me but I shall persevere.  Last week in a mood I came home to a houseful of cat puke and I lost it.  All I could do was think of how I wanted to hurt myself.  Alright, I know that isn't a rational response, so I called the Un-Hyphen and also JB and talked myself out of that.  I cleaned up the puke, called Stan and said I couldn't play music with him that night and took a few Valium and a rest.  So I saw the Un-Hyphen twice last week.  I see her again Tuesday.

And that is what has been going on.  Depressed and grieving I moved through my week.  Hopefully this week, well, who knows.