First day back

Not a bad day. Mal was all bent out of shape because of my coughing, which I didn't think was too bad. Went and saw Hyphen and then hit Kroger. Loaded up on potatoes, which is basically the only food hat sounds good to eat. I have lost quite of bit of weigh due to my illness and Hyphen seemed surprised when she saw me. After Kroger I made a potato and actually ate it. Right now I have a turkey dish in the microwave and that is not off putting. Note to self: never take Augmentin again. Boy, that fuxed me up as much as the Methotrexate did. The colitis flare is calming down. I really need to get in and see the gut doctor. Had a discussion with the rheumatologist about medication. I don't want to get started on the biologics, like Humira. Told her as much so I am back on the Imuran, which controlled the colitis but didn't do too much for the arthritis. Oh, well, guess that is something else I will have to live with. The aches and pains have gotten worse since I am off the Methotrexate. Wake up stiff and slow moving in the morning. Oh, well, again. Brody's Mom wants to get a group together to deal with the issues of chronic illnesses. I think that would be a great idea. Maybe get someone professionally to facilitate the process. Okay, dinner, such as it is, is calling me, much eat to maintain. Must eat to maintain, must eat to...

I'm back

Yes, after an almost two week hiatus I am back. Seems an arthritis drug, Methotrexate, and I don't see eye to eye. First came the lost of appetite, then the canker sores in the throat, then the persistent cough, the wrong antibiotic, that morphed into a flare of colitis, which made me afraid, very afraid, to cough, which resulted in bronchitis, more antibiotics and a ten pound weight loss in two weeks. The flare of colitis has subsided, but the cough lingers on and I am sure it will annoy Mal to the extreme, but hey, I can't help it and I have almost deplete my sick time so I have to get back to work. I was so sick I even cancelled a Hyphen appointment and mandolin lessons as I have been too tired to practice or concentrate. But I am back. Someday the appetite may return. I am trying to eat favorite things, but mostly was tastes good is potatoes, baked, with butter and sour cream. Brody's Mom was great to me this weekend, picking me up dinner yesterday and getting me to KFC today for mashed potatoes and gravy. I can eat a spoonful every three hours or so. I have been keeping fluids up thanks to Gastric who has provided me with juices galore. But basically still nothing seems or tastes appealing so I am going my favorite foods. It's been so bad that I haven't had my favorite food group, pizza, since the onset of the troubles. But I am ready to get back to work. Bored with TV and feeling like a slug. So I will report back tomorrow on how I did my first day back. No one has done my work for me so I am going back to a hornet's nest of lists from over two weeks ago. Tomorrow also I will resume practicing the mandolin and although I won't have a lesson for two weeks I should be back to playing full time by then. Okay, I am going to try and eat some taters and gravy. See ya mañana.

Game called

Yes, the game hs been called on account of illness. Damn arthritis medicine had more side effects that Dr. Jekyll's brew. Sinus infection that is rapidly morphing into bronchitis, with he mother of ll canker sources now on the tip of my tongue. So another day in bed resting. I need to pick up a few prescriptions so I will have to go out around lunch. But mostly it's a day for feeling sorry for me. The end of the summer is fast approaching on campus with students slowly tickling in. And I am sick. Poor me. And no one to take care of me. Where is Dorothy? Gastric took me to the doctor yesterday and she was out as well with a fibro flare. So she didn't have to take me to the doctor,feeling as she did, but she did. That was. A Dorothy thing. I think too bad y'all didn't have a chance to know what a gentle woman she was and what a strong woman she was, in an era before women were "supposed" to be strong. She would have made me some chicken noodle soup, from scratch if I wanted it, but mostly I wanted Mrs. Grass's soup, with the little egg of schmaltz. And bring it to me on a tray with saltines with a glass of hip juice. Ah, she was my go to gal when I was sick, as mother would storm about asking how I could be so cruel to her as to get sick, a logic I never understood. She was totally helpless when I was sick. Never took me to a doctor, just got a cousin who was a doctor to write a prescription for antibiotics for me. That was how she took care of me. Thank God for cousins like that. Okay, I've been up long enough, time for yet another nap.

Up all night

Nothing worse than being sick at home and not being able to sleep. That's where I am at. The arthritis medicine that caused the canker sore in the throat have morphed into a heavy cold that is very quickly moving into my chest. So I took the rest of the week off to rest. There is no real issue with me being awake other than the fact I CAN'T SLEEP. I feel badly for leaving Gastric alone at work for two days. She is taking me to see the evil doctor who prescribed the arthritis medicine later today. Maybe they will give me something for the cold/sinus infection. I had a blood draw yesterday and it did show I am fighting an infection. So this is my whine list. I can't sleep, I am hacking my lungs out and my nose is being athletic. The Boys, AKA the cats, are doing a good job of keeping me company. Well, at least I won't be subjected to a Mal email about my coughing and sneezing. A four day weekend. All because I am sick. And I have the mother of all canker sores on the underside of my tongue which is making my tongue feel twice as big in my mouth. But, to make me feel better I am having a session of reflexology before the doctor this afternoon. I am taking care. No big insights, just a sick kid all alone in the big house.

The Dead

Part of my job is "deading" people. For example, I closed the dates on Robin Williams, 1951-2014, to match the current authority form. It make me acutely aware of my own mortality. I was re-reading Elisabeth Kübler-Ross's seminal book on death and dying, and realize I am in the bargaining stage of the process. Denial, Anger, BARGAINING, Depression and Acceptance. I was pleading in therapy just this past week for another ten years, like that isn't too much to ask. Given all my health issues, having had kidney cancer and functioning with only one of the little guys, having had ulcerative colitis for over forty years, all the surgeries, etc. How much can one tiny body take? I was watching TV and an AARP commercial comes on and the woman says "I am sixty and I have a lot of good years left..." BUZZER...not so fast. At sixty, unless you plan to live to 120, your life is over half over. You're at the top of the hill, maybe a little over the rise, on a downward slope. So I bargain. I'll take care of the health issues...someone give me a few years...let me outlive the cats...take my wife, please...Let's face it, life itself is a fatal disease. No one gets out of here alive. You take what you are given and move on to the next phase in life. So much for the afternoon...shot to shit if you ask me.

Busted

Yes, I was busted by Mal, a new gopher in the cube corral, for humming. And I suspect my seasonal allergies will be cause for anothrer reprimand today. Mal is very unhappy in her new digs and I think is bent on making everyone as unhappy as she is. I call her Mal as in Malcontent. Now that the noise gauntlet has been thrown I feel it is incumbent upon me to be sensitive and vigilante to her non-work related visitors. And I don't think she knows how unnerving her incessant throat clearing is. Well, what's good for one is good for all. Now, mind you, I was totally unaware that I was humming. And if I was it wasn't very loud. Bookworm says I hum but not constantly and not a lot. I caught up with her late in the day blowing her nose away from her cube so as not to incur the wrath of Mal. I am not that nice. In fact I have a cold on top of allergies so I plan on blowing my nose and coughing all day. What she gonna do? What kind of supervisor would take that kind of complaint seriously? Now my supervisor is out until the 20th so Mal may try to run roughshod over me. I plan to email my boss and go to Mal's supervisor and get them to tell her to back off, retire or both. They pack all of Tech Services into a space design for half that many people and expect us all to play nice like adults...NOT. Mal has always been the center of her own world and how she managed to bring a child into this world is beyond be, much less raise that child without a boatload of neuroses. Mal is just that, a malcontent. Spreads misery in her wake. While I will try to be more mindful of my humming, I will not back off and go to the rest room or the Cyber Cafe to blow my nose. So bite me baby!!!

Carpe Diem

Thus was a line in the Dead Poets Society, most notably a film with Robin Williams. I am sure it is a fine book as well. But I am here to praise Mr. Williams, a phenomenal talent whose candle was doomed to be without a flame all too soon. I had seen him In concert a few years ago with Gastric and neither of us could remember ever laughing so hard or for so long. He was a brilliant comic and actor. Bipolar. A shame. I've been to that precipice a number of times only to be pulled back by something stronger than myself. Too bad Williams had run out of that commodity. But the depths of despair that leads one to even consider suicide is so great that there isn't always that voice to call us back from the brink. I am heartened that the news outlets are using this as a teachable moment to remind us about help for mental illness that is available. But it is hard to see that help forest for the trees of depression. Unless you have been there then there is no use in explicating the depths it can reach. Hopeless without a friend in the world, no where to turn for help, no, you don't want help, you just want to exit stage left. I have had two serious suicide attempts in my life and numerous times I have thought that might be the only way out of the pain of depression. Depression is more than just feeling sad, and a snap out of it won't cut it. It's pathological, yet with no cause. It is debilitating and draining. To the point that the only way to ease the pain to to have an exit strategy. Most people can't understand the depths of despair it can attain. But to those of us who do, well, it still doesn't diminished the shock of his passing. So to all of my friends, those of us whose lives may be more than half over or then some, let us make the most of our time. Carpe Diem, indeed. And to my friends, and you know who you are, feel free to bend my ear, make me your conduit. I am here because I was there, too, once myself. And it is all over too soon and you'll never know what hit you. The world is not my home, I am just passing through...