est

Years ago, for the sake of love, I took an est seminar.  est was an acronym for Eberhard Seminar Training and not the Latin verb to be.  Werner Eberhard was a con artist  who developed this training which was based on sleep deprivation and two weekends of concentrated personal self annihilation wherein one would emerge late the second Sunday evening as a new person.   What I got out of it, other than nothing, was the concept that moment by moment this is as good as it gets.  I laughed my ass off for an hour contemplating this, my navel and the two wasted weekends, while others gave testimony to Werner for turning their shallow lives around.  It has been likened to a cult experience and I do tend to agree with that assessment.   See:  est

But, for the sake of argument, let us assume that, indeed, moment by moment, this IS as good as it gets.  One moment depressed as hell...that's as good as it gets.  The next moment full of confidence and oneness and that is as good as it gets.  I don't think I got what I was supposed to have received from the training, that being losing myself and a beloved.  At one break during the training I called my parents and told them I loved them which gave them great concern for my well-being.  I was drinking myself out of graduate school and lost in the early stages of being bipolar, throwing money away on an expensive and worthless self-improvement cults for the sake of a love that would only be mine transitionally.  But that was the essence of est.  You got what you gave and the more you gave the more you would get to the point that the whole nonsense was that this is as good as it gets and it gets better the more you give.  As testament to this the last est training was in 1984.  It came, it saw profit, it profited and it died.  It imploded on the personality cult of Werner, aka John Rosenberg.  It actually did some good but the MAN became more important than the message.  Actually, getting the massage/message that this is as good as it gets is useful, in a Zen-like way, but personalities of the organization got in the way and the more Werner/John tried to transform himself the further away from its utilitarian purpose it grew. 

But I digress.  Or do I?  After almost sixty hours of training I was no closer to my goal than I am now.  Still in therapy, denying the love of my life, the life of my love and my family.  Grieve no more my lady, as it were.  But did I ever grieve?  I think Zen is a powerful idea and message.  And the Zen in est was a strong influence in my nascent life at that point.  But looking back I have lost the Zen and Tao of life.  The then and now. 

Oh, well, baby, this is as good as it gets. 

Blabity, blabity, blabity, blah...

So, I might have had a nice day yesterday save for the fact that I had a very intense therapy session, followed by a very expensive afternoon.  Ask not how much money went out on the house, just know that it was quite a chunk of change.  The kitchen cabinets came in and I paid off the balance and paid the contractor for work done and supplies.  So more than half the money I  received Wednesday has been spent.  That said, the  cabinets go in Monday and Tuesday they get the templates for the granite countertops.  I should move, hold your breath, within a month.  End of March. This weekend we do some running around and then I will start to work on getting the bedroom/music room organized and packed up.  The armoire is a bloody mess and it would.be easier to sort and pack rather than to rearrange and stuff back in the armoire

Feels like Ursula the Ulcer is back.  This stress is taking its toll.   Hyphen goes away for two weeks in March.  That will be hard on me and everyone else who knows me as we have entered a critical point in therapy.  I guess I'll just blog about everything.  Ah, my friends, you shall pay the price for Hyphen's abandonment.  So, it's spring break,  BFD!  Once she is back I have to make sure I am not moving big time on a Monday.  And Brad is leaving for Florida the second week of April. So things will be settled by then, in terms of completion of the house and the move.  So it is crunch time.

The wind is in, last night I couldn't sleep. You know it sure is hard to live here but this is no longer my home.  Maybe its been too long a time since I have been living but I miss my bed and clean white linens, one thousand thread count sheets.  Yes the house is coming along.  Should be the floors getting tended to next and then the walls get painted.  Move, move, move.  The boys are marching.

Okay, so I am channeling Lois/Leah and dealing with loss.  Moving will also bring a certain closure to a chapter of my life.  I need a lot of closure.  Yesterday would have been my buddy Jerry's 78th birthday.  Yesterday I would have been late to therapy save for JB, who also had an actual birthday yesterday.  I remember when I sold the family manse in Detroit.  My realtor buddy took me by the empty house to say goodbye to my childhood home.  It was sad.  I wonder if I will feel as sad as that.  But, as Hyphen knows, I just want the next few weeks to be over and the move to be done with.  No exploding mother coming into my room and emptying my closet of its contents.  No waiting for the other shoe to fall.

Suck it up, Czarina.  Stay calm and move on.

A woman walks into a bar...

Sophie and her friend Clementine are out walking their respective dogs.  Clementine says "Soph, why don't we go into that bar down the street and have a drink"  Sophie replies "Clementine, what about the dogs?  They'll never let us into the bar with these dogs!"  Clementine replies, "Just follow my lead" to wit she pulls out a pair of sunglasses, puts them on and approaches the bouncer at the door.  "Ma'am", says the bouncer "You can't come into the bar with the dog"  "Why" says Clementine "This is my seeing eye dog!"  To wit the bouncer replies "I have never seen an Afghan Hound as a guide dog, but I guess it takes all kinds" and he lets her in.  Sophie is right behind her with her dog, dark glasses on.  She approaches the bouncer.  The bouncer repeats his remark about not allowing dogs in the bar.  Sophie responds "Why this is my trusty seeing eye dog".  The bouncer replies "Ma'am, I have seen all sorts of seeing eye dogs but I have never seen a chihuahua as one".  To wit Sophie responds "They gave me a fucking chihuahua!?!?"

So a woman walks into her therapist office and says "Hyphen, will I even feel like a grown up or will I die as childlike as I entered this world?  I just feel once I come into my own and feel grown up and in control of my life I am going to drop dead"  To wit Hyphen responds "They gave you a fucking chihuahua?"

Blast from the past

I was able to, through Face Book, catch up with an old friend who now resides and works in the Windy City.  I felt like singing "still crazy after all these years".  Old friend who I had the biggest crush on years ago.  Now, basically, I am so happy being single I can't imagine the work it must take to maintain a relationship.  I mean I have trouble seeing a good outcome in anything. One of my first thoughts about the new house was a sad one and I just can't help going there.  We humans are the only animal that has a conscious knowledge of our own death.  That is a certainty.  Death, that is, as well as taxes. Although I would rather deal with the latter then the former.  So saying I am happy I really mean to say I am as happy as I can be in the face of mortality.  I recall Mickey Mantle's line "if I knew I was going to live this long I would have taken better care of myself". There are days I feel like that.  Approaching sixty one yars I can look back and see what I have squandered.  But, I have time left, time to and for myself.  Now this is serious folks.  I intend to make it all count, all of it.  No more fuxing around.  Time to take it all in and put the best face on it.  There may be very sad things I will experience in my new home but by the same token there will be many happy occasions and, yes, some meaningless ones.  Maybe the best that can be said is to make the most of the meaningless experiences and make your own meaning.  I wonder who I am channelling now?  The family I no longer have?  The friends I have loved and lost?  My mother is still hovering over my right shoulder like a demon whispering in my ear her venomous meanderingx.  And that, my friends, is something for me and Hyphen to deal with co e Monday.

A tropical heat wave

It's a balmy -3 degrees up from -12.  Sun is kinda out.  I had a very long day into night yesterday, including having an ear impaction removed.  Still aches.  Leaving early today.  Stayed up late last night and started moving stuff out of the bedroom into the living room.  The fish tanks are gone, thanks to Captain Nemo.  I was able to get all three cat carriers down so they can have hidey holes until and post move for their peace of minds.  I did my once a year oversleep this morning and I am just running on empty.

Session with Hyphen was good.  I'd like to have two more sessions next week.  She will be off the 9th and 16th of March so I want to get my shot in now before she deserts  me.  Looks like I will be moving the week of the 23rd of March or the 30th (more likely).  I am just getting more and more agitated as the move impends.  I am very much like a cat...any type of change is awkward.  And this is the worse of changes, moving.  I have steeled my mind to that.

Toni is coming over Sunday to sort clothes and kitchen stuff.  I have loads to donate.  Weather permitting we can drop some stuff to the house.  Going to pick up paint on Saturday.  Things are just percolating along.

Leaving early today and I believe a nap will be in order.

[time passes and we have warmed to +7, the warmest it has been in a week]

Lunch was better than it has been of late.  Now that I know we are leaving at 2:30 the next two hours will past like molasses on a well digger's ass in the Yukon.  I so love mixing metaphors.

La la land awaits.

Hyphen redux

Heading out to see Hyphen in a few.  Second session this week.  I have some real issues I have managed to focus on since the last session.  Also, after my lunch with the mortgage broker I was so sick at work I could hardly keep my head up and very oogie.  Five Dramamines later I was home and feeling less so.  Went to Sans Souci and saw the progress was being made and did not have a panic attack like I did three weeks ago.  That's my progress.

Today with Hyphen I will discuss the oogies and the issues I have with some people in terms of mommy issues and me ending up being The Mommy again for so many people.  I don't think it is a matter of being anal or a control freak but we will let Hyphen weigh in on this.

Sans Souci Redux

Heard from Brad last night the bathroom is almost complete save for some tile work and the kitchen floor has been put in place.  The cabinets will be in at the end of the month and the work on the counter tops will complete the kitchen on the 17th of March.   Last to be done will be the floors to be refinished and the painting.   We are going paint shopping Saturday to get enough for the house and the condo to be done.  Sherwin Williams is having a paint sale.  YAHOO!  30% off.  That should help.

Last night I managed to not eat dinner and work on the computer until almost midnight.  Woke up again at 3:00 a.m. and couldn't get back to sleep.  Today I am having lunch with Steve the Mortgage Broker and then after work Brad will stop by and get some more money to put into Sans Souci.  In my glee about the progress at the house I failed to remember it is party day at work and I brought naught.  Well, once settled in the new house I will make glorious snacks to bring to my co-workers.  A warm artichoke dip used to be my specialty.  I think I can make something sweet with all the new kitchen gadgets I have acquired.  Time will tell.

But what of the life of the mind (or mime)?  I have another session with Hyphen this week and then I think I can go back to once a week.  But that depends on the next session.  So much is going on and when I was in the shade of depression I seemed to focus more solidly on issues.  Now I am feeling lighter and better and the session yesterday was not as meaningful as I had hoped.

Oh, well.  Excelsior.