Hyphen 2.0 redux or Dreams of a Summer's Night

I seem to be a tad fixated still on the demise of my working/clinical arrangement with 2.0.  Her website is still up and she is still taking on new clients, although she said to me she planned to retire in the spring.  This doesn't seem fair to her current clients or to potential new ones.  And I just came across an author on my work list with her exact name and I find myself once again rehashing the old hurt.  I spoke a little with JB about this last night and time permitting tonight I may call her again.  I just had a real and genuine connection with 2.0 and the abrupt ending, albeit on my call, is still a source of hurt.  I don't think I have really dealt with that in therapy and maybe I need to do this.  I have alluded to the hurt but haven't directly addressed it.  Maybe I was getting a positive motherly vibe from 2.0, whereas the American Girl is more result driven and, I don't know, not quite as empathetic.  But I realize constantly that I am not over the pain of that separation. 

My first therapist, eons ago, said I was "intrinsically likable" and that has stayed with me.  I felt that sort of connection with 2.0.  I always fret when someone does not find me intrinsically likable, like the doctor I fired , and take away from that a degree of hurt and depression.  I do find that some people "don't like me" and tend to turn to a passive/aggressive manner in dealing with me.  Makes me feel better if someone says outright they don't care for me.  I do worry that I am not "intrinsically likable".  And really, whose fault is that?

So dreams of a summer's night.  Amid the mist and snow that is our winter I note the days are incrementally turning longer.  Still it snows and the ground is frozen.  Such a cold snap as we have had of late has left patches of ice on the rivers.  And I ponder all the work I must do once the ground relents and allows the snow drop flowers, the crocuses and the like to peek their floral heads above ground and herald the arrival of, well, late winter.  I am hoping my rose bushes survive the winter.  I am pondering what to do with the front yard.  And all this pondering, this attention to the needs of others, the dealing with the technological sturm und drang that is fulfilling the audacity of my techie self, all this plays into the loss of 2.0  What did she say that was so strong, that spoke to me.  Of all I had...the house, the yard, friends, the cats...all of this...The optimism she spoke to me that had really won me over.  All of this.  And it is gone.

Yes, indeed, must connect with the American Girl and deal with this and the other loss, that of the original Hyphen.  I wonder if she plans to return to practice some spring and if I am connected enough to the American Girl to continue seeing her or to return to a less than reliable Hyphen the Original. 

ENOUGH!!!