Foot bones connected to the anklebone

Oh, them bones.  Seems a mere x-ray can't determine the cause of my ankle distress so it is on to an MRI.  God knows when that will happen.  I hope this week.  Meanwhile it is back to work with a limp.  The first few steps are the hardest but it matters not how long I rest or sit, a minute, an hour, ten seconds, but the first few steps are the hardest.  They kind of ruled out the Plantar thingies because of that.  My hope is it is nothing too serious and it will resolve itself in another week or two.  Meanwhile my rose garden is weedy, my tomato patch is sickly and I feel like a total and hopeless failure.  I can barely take care of myself, much less my house.  Ah, something to ponder as Hyphen 2 takes over.  Sophie, out of the goodness of her heart will be taking me next week.  New month but she better be available as Hyphen 2 has rather strict guidelines on missing appointments.  Oh, I want to go back to sleep as I didn't get much last night because of the pain.  I did practice this morning.  But not much.  That hurt too as I was trying to keep time with my bad leg.  Seems like a different part of the ankle hurts each day and each day is a new experience in pain.  Even crossing my legs hurts.  It's the uncertainty of the resolution that is paining me too.

Hyphen 2

Winner by a hair.  Actually a $200 hair.  Seems Calvin's Mom was not able to verify insurance as Hyphen 2 had already gotten approval.  Calvin's Mom doesn't believe in a trial visit  to see if you can work with the doctor.  So that said and done its on to weekly visits with Hyphen 2.  I left it to the PTB to decide my therapist and was spoken to in a $200 bass.  The decision was basically made for me.  Hyphen 2 is out of network and God knows how much her 20% co-pay is.  I'll find out next Tuesday.  Oh, fux and double fux.

Now excuse me while I rest my weary bones and give Simcha the belly rub he so richly deserves.

And the winner is...

Well, right now it's a tie.  As I sit home for yet another day due to this stupid leg injury that is keeping me from walking my walk, as well as talking the talk, I ponder....Hyphen 2 or Calvin's Mom.  So I decided to see each, one more time, in order to make a more informed decision.  Calvin's Mom has a strike against her as she took a call at during the first few minutes after our session began, a big strike in my book.  The mere fact that I could walk, if I could walk, to her office is not the only thing in her favor.  But that call taking really annoyed me.  Hyphen 2 is much like the original.  Very engaged and very intense.  I like that in a person.  Our session ran over fifteen minutes as she lost track of time.  If I had to choose based on that I'd take Hyphen 2.  But I want to be fair and see if Calvin's Mom can overcome that faux pas of the phone call.  Too close to call at this point.

As for this ankle injury that is slowly evolving, Urgent Care last week said it was a sprain and sent me on my way without so much as a fare thee well.  I am seeing my primary care doctor today and we will go from there.  I have virtually done nothing since last Tuesday when the injury just happened, like it does with people of a certain again.  No tripping, twisting or falling, just the sudden onset of pain when walking.  Today it feels slightly, ever so slightly, better.  I have to get back to work tomorrow but we shall see what the Doc says today.  I am tired of being in pain when I put any weight on the leg.  Urgent Care did take x-rays and said there were no breaks.  But something is wrong other than a sprain.

So that is basically my story for the last few days.  Shrinks and limping.  Limping and shrinks.

Achilles

Much like the Greek myth, I have been dipped in a magic potion but held by my heels.  My right Achilles  tendon is tender and it really hurts to walk, my drug of choice of late.  I finally have a brace on that ankle but I am afraid to go see  a doctor for fear I might be put on crutches to speed healing. No, instead I will wear the brace and take it easy on the walk therapy for a while.  I didn't sleep much last night, in part because the Pirates were losing to the Royals.  But I had one of those twilight sleepy nights where I wasn't fully asleep.  Not due to physical pain but more the. psychic and emotional pain.  I may see if Sophie and I can visit the new urgent care clinic nearer my God to thee.  No it is by the house.  I am afraid to find out if I really did something stupid to my ankle,   No, I am just going to take it easy for a few days and hope it doesn't get worse.  I can walk on it, which is a good thing.  But because of the osteoporosis I break easily.  But I didn't actually hurt the ankle, just wore a new pair of shoes, which I have since given away.  I had a lovely massage on the leg last night and that truly seemed to help.  No, the psychic pain is too much to bear.  I am used to doing twenty thousand steps a day and I can barely do ten thousand.  And I can't concentrate and have the discipline to practice this morning.  No, just take it easy for a few days and get another  massage Monday before therapy.  But it couldn't hurt to get looked at, could it?

What a pisser.  Stay tuned for tomorrow's installment on one of the new therapist 's job interviews.  This one is Calvin's Mom.

Time to rub a healing cat on my foot to ease the pain.

My gripe du jour

My psychiatrist's office, shall we call LIOBM, has been less than helpful with regards to getting me into a therapist.  I was seeing The Bird within their practice but then decided she wasn't a good fit.  I found another therapist in the same practice only to be told I couldn't see her as it would look like one therapist was swiping another therapist's clients.  This was bullshit as I know of one person who was 'allowed' to do this within the practice.  I got into a bit of a pissing match with the nurse practitioner when I called.  I had called twice asking for referrals and I received no call back. She said she didn't handle referrals anymore and I countered that she at least could have called to tell me that.  Pisser. Of the three names they gave me two never answered their phones or returned calls.  The third , Hyphen II is out of network and would cost a 20% co-pay.  I call that being less than helpful.  I am thinking of pulling out of that practice and going to one a little more responsive to my needs.

In any even I see Hyphen II next Monday.  I think of the two therapists I am test driving I am leaning more towards her than Calvin's Mom.  Calvin's Mom is in my network and I can walk to her office but Hyphen II seems a little more professional and her paperwork is more complete.  Still I will give each a chance.

This has all gotten me pretty upset to say the least.  So much so that I am taking a month off of lessons as I can't find the concentration to focus on playing.  I over did it Valium wise yesterday but at least I was able to sleep last night.  Oh, fux

Overdid it again in multiple ways

I may well have two therapists.  I have an appointment next Friday with Calvin's Mom and I had just the  most lovely chat with Hyphen 2 so I am really torn.  I will see both once and make a decision.  The former I can walk to her office; the latter would require using my personal limousine service, aka JB, as a means of transport.  So that is the first overdo.

Last night was the second.  Having waited two days for a large check to materialize I finally was able to deposit it.  Then I walked over nine miles yesterday, culminating in a walk with JB through my neighborhood, stopping to look at unique houses and their yards.  It was pleasant.  But by the time she left the two Valium and headache medicine had kicked in and for all intents I was loopy.  Ordered dinner in because  I wasn't fit to cook and then barely touched a mouthful before I decided to call it a night and went to bed at 10, only to be wide awake at midnight.  So it goes.

I was surprised this morning when the size ten jeans fit me like a glove.  Down from a size sixteen to a ten in five months,  pretty damn good, I would say.  And I am wearing my  comfy new shoes, Hush Puppies.  I forgot how nice that brand feels.  I am ready for my Union meeting today.  Good long walk and nothing to do tonight but grill a steak and kick back with a glass of my new found favorite beverage black tea lemonade with mango.  Lovely over ice. That's a good overdo.

Simcha is being very attentive this morning and Gonif puked at 2:00 a.m. So we have kinda been up since then.  Yankel is on the dining room table looking for a handout.  And that is the morning cat report.  I am taking my somewhat svelte self into work.  The. Tummy is still there but shrinking.  So   off I go.

Well...

I dumped the therapist Bird and thought I had a Jolly good replacement but the office informed me I couldn't change therapists within the same practice.  It is their rule.  So I was SOL as far as getting a new therapist.  Well, the wise one told me  to  call the number on the back of my insurance card, which I did.  I was able to,get an appointment with Calvin's Mom at an office close to my home.  If she doesn't work out I have Hyphen 2.  I am checking her insurance policies.  But at least I have some options.  And I dropped the yoga as if your mantra is 'this is bullshit' apparently it is not for you.  So that will probably mean the class which originally had seven participants will be down to two people.   That should give the instrutor pause. It was billed as a trauma based yoga, to relieve trauma and PTSD and all it did was increase my anxiety.  So that is down,  and because that medical practice wouldn't let me change therapists, I am considering taking my psychiatric business elsewhere.  I just feel like I was screwed over.

And I have been home bound the last two days and another day tomorrow, waiting for a registered letter to come.  Oh, and BTW, I was able to sell the condo.  So that was another reason to miss work as I had paperwork to sign and meet with my realtor.  So it has been a hectic week thus far.  Thank goodness I have a session of reflexology planned for Saturday.  I need to decompress.

So that's my story of the last few days.  Bye, bye Birdie and hello Calvin's Mom.  Let's hope that plays out well as I can walk to appointments and be a little more self sufficient.  And that is one of my goals.  Hopefully I can get out some tomorrow and walks I am just a bundle of energy, thanks in part to an overconsumption of iced tea.  You might say I am a little buzzed on caffeine.  Oh, well. It is  what it is....

Done deed

I was and am very unhappy and angry at the Bird and the Yoga Guy.  I essentially fired them both today.  She wasn't the right fit for my bipolar needs.  He has no sense of humor, is a literalist and make me chant my bullshit Om.  As a result I actually feel lighter and more calm than I have felt in recent weeks,   I am hoping my friend doesn't care if I don't go to this yoga class.  I found a new therapist and can call Monday to make an appointment for the 20th.  But basically I felt that if I had to take two Valium and four Neurontin before a session something was not working for me.  I can only hope that the new shrink at the very least has as sense of humor about life and can do cognitive based talk therapy.  That is the best thing for me.

I am going out tonight and try to forget all this bullshit of the past few weeks.  Going out to listen to some jazz.  I'll get me a club soda and will sit and relax.  Tomorrow breakfast out and then the farm market.  The weather is supposed to suck the next few days.  Sophie is in pain because of, among other things, the changing weather.  I'm a little weary of negative vibes and am distancing myself from the complainers and thems that has nothing better to do than whine.  Just don't need it now.  See my urologist Monday as I recently passed a kidney stone and feel like more may be coming down the pike.  No use complaining about this.  It is what it is.

Later my friends.

My mantra

So I went to my third yoga class last night and was wearing my Spire device to see if I actually reached a state of calm.  I did, but it was while internally chanting my own mantra of 'bullshit'.  I don't think I am the type of person who traditional chants work well.   I was calm through most of the two hour session, actually getting my breathing down to thirteen breaths a minute for over a half hour, but you have to remember I took two Valium and four Neurontin before the session.  So, of course, I was calmer than I had been during the day.  I did learn some useful techniques but as far as practicing them, well, I just don't know.  However with my 'this is bullshit' mantra I may just do that and practice breathing.  Most of all I miss Hyphen and while it will most likely be at least a year until she is able to practice again, I need to find a different therapist right now.  The Bird is a lovely woman, but doesn't like talk therapy.  I don't cotton to her EMDR or her idea that a rebirthing experience would be helpful.  No, I just want good, old fashion talk therapy.  Nothing New Age.  I will stick with the yoga another week and see if that new mantra continues to help.  Or if it was the Valium that relaxed me.  I think it was the latter.  I can identify problems and just need to talk then through, gathering my rosebuds while I may.  Pat and now Hyphen worked well for me.  I don't need rebirthing; I need to grieve what was lost.  Work that through with talk.  Hopefully the name I received for a new therapist will pan out.  If not, the search goes on.  I can always go back to Employee Assistance and see if Lisa has any ideas.  All I know yesterday as the closer it got to yoga class the angrier I was getting, mostly at the Bird for being so enthused about yoga.  Yes I kmow it works, but so do two Valium.  I was perfectly attuned to last night's session, just very relaxed and not angry at the world for the loss of Hyphen.

Done with talking about MPT

That's right...I am done. I am done giving her power to make me miserable; she has done her last miserable and rude act to me.  From now I will not give her the power to dominate me with her negative energy.  Oh I know, gentle reader, this makes you sad.  You love hearing her irrepressible and illogical acts of fallacious reasoning.  But I can't give myself over to her Dark Side.  As in "come to,the dark side....we have chocolate" except she doesn't even have chocolate, just the occasional bagel.  Nope. I am now done.

And now for something completely different.  I spent part of yesterday morning getting the new X1 operating system for my cable and, Lordy, is it ever cool.   And the really cool part is it won't cost extra for the first two years.  I'll worry about after that then.  I have a remote I can speak to and it will change channels and set up series recordings.  I can record four shows at one, not that I would, but I could, and watch a fifth.  And I can watch my recordings not just in the living room but also in the bedroom which just has a dumb box.  It's all very cool to this Techno-Slut, as some have called me.

The drooping tomatoes plants have improved with the outpouring of rain yesterday.  I fear now I must drench them multiple times a day.  But I am getting tomatoes.  And peppers.  The herbs are doing fine with the sage producing a bumper crop I know not with what to do. Dill looks great and some nice basil and mint.  I love mint in my iced tea and I have a bumper crop of that as well.  So Sans Souci, garden-wise, has a few issues, but nothing I can't handle.

Gonif Cat is doing well on his high protein diet regimen and Yankel Boy might be shedding a pound or two.  Simcha is just Simcha...a happy go lucky youngest child with not a care in the world.  Except maybe that his treat tower is losing treats and has to be refilled.  And that is the morning cat report. Speaking of cats my pal Louis took the nicest photo of Simcha and gave it to me framed for my birthday and it is proudly displayed on he living room book shelves.

Well, I must be off. Time to haul my sorry ass to work.  I'll have lots of miles today as I have a dental appointment, need to pick up prescriptions and lunch and walk home.  Then there is yoga, that's right yoga, tonight.  Busy day.

Rude Magic PlasticTuna

Well, I have never been cut off when I was walking but today was a first.  MPT was riding her bike in the street as I was crossing and the next thing I know, whoosh, she cuts me off. Now Percy might opine that she was having a bad day, to which I would ou ter that she is just an a**hole.  Some people are just occasionally one but the MPT is a regular.

Other than that and a wet walk to my gut doctor nod a clean bill of health it was a good day.  Much like Gonif curled up in his new perch.

Sans Tuna

Well, I have not a care in the world as the Tuna is off all week.  My boss, silly woman, is in China teaching and left me in charge.  At least that is what she told me.  I am feeling empowered.  Tonight is a yoga class, the third in a series, and I really did enjoy the first class.  I was so enthused I bought a yoga mat, which I have hidden from the cats as it is foam and they love to chew foam things, like the handles on my snow shoe poles and the foam on all my guitar stands.  So my mat and block are locked in a closet awaiting my fetch tonight.  I have my union rep training session at lunch today and that will give me an opportunity for a head clearing walk.  I bought a device called a Spire, which in addition to measure steps measures focus, tension and calm.  I thought I would have no trouble being focused at work but it turned out when I thought I was focusing I was really tense for long periods of time.  So I am working on my breathing today and trying to focus without being tense.  It's a neat little device that is keeping me mindful of my state of being.  I will wear it, discreetly, to yoga today to see if I am able to maintain a calm mien.  I brought some of my roses in yesterday and not even that could generate a mind set of calm or focus for me.  No, yesterday I was just tense for long periods of time.  Right now it shows I am focused, so I am obviously doing something I enjoy.  Today I am wearing both the Spire and the Fitbit because God knows I need to keep track of myself.  Oops, I am out of focus bordering on tense again.  Time for a calm break and the opening of doors.