My mantra

So I went to my third yoga class last night and was wearing my Spire device to see if I actually reached a state of calm.  I did, but it was while internally chanting my own mantra of 'bullshit'.  I don't think I am the type of person who traditional chants work well.   I was calm through most of the two hour session, actually getting my breathing down to thirteen breaths a minute for over a half hour, but you have to remember I took two Valium and four Neurontin before the session.  So, of course, I was calmer than I had been during the day.  I did learn some useful techniques but as far as practicing them, well, I just don't know.  However with my 'this is bullshit' mantra I may just do that and practice breathing.  Most of all I miss Hyphen and while it will most likely be at least a year until she is able to practice again, I need to find a different therapist right now.  The Bird is a lovely woman, but doesn't like talk therapy.  I don't cotton to her EMDR or her idea that a rebirthing experience would be helpful.  No, I just want good, old fashion talk therapy.  Nothing New Age.  I will stick with the yoga another week and see if that new mantra continues to help.  Or if it was the Valium that relaxed me.  I think it was the latter.  I can identify problems and just need to talk then through, gathering my rosebuds while I may.  Pat and now Hyphen worked well for me.  I don't need rebirthing; I need to grieve what was lost.  Work that through with talk.  Hopefully the name I received for a new therapist will pan out.  If not, the search goes on.  I can always go back to Employee Assistance and see if Lisa has any ideas.  All I know yesterday as the closer it got to yoga class the angrier I was getting, mostly at the Bird for being so enthused about yoga.  Yes I kmow it works, but so do two Valium.  I was perfectly attuned to last night's session, just very relaxed and not angry at the world for the loss of Hyphen.