Alright so it is a brain fart, but one nonetheless. It's 2:25 a.m. And I just had a major kitchen disaster when I went to get some juice. I dumped a bowl of juicy pineapple all over the floor and threw today's lunch halfway across the kitchen in response (sorry girls). Lunch is intact, which is more than I can say for me. I am in the depths of a deep, dark depression, enhanced, in part, by Hyphen 2.0 and maybe to a lesser extent by the first and original Hyphen. So here it comes, Sophie, and it is not open to discussion. I had written Hyphen 1.0 a get well note and she responded with things like "you are in my heart and go gently". Well, since her accident, which is really the worse fear of any therapy patient, that being the loss of a therapist to conditions beyond control, I opined to 2.0 that I feel badly about my decision to not see 1.0 when she resumes practice in May...that I preferred to see 2.0, to which she responded that she was going to retire come May and I should go back to 1.0. Fux and double Fux. How could she even take me on as a client when she knew she might retire in nine months. So my sleepless pit of depression deepened. What am I to do? How can I continue to see a therapist knowing that come May I am going to have to start anew with a new therapist. And not seeing a therapist is not an option, being bipolar and all and on medication and under direct orders from my psychiatrist to see a therapist on a regular basis. A psychiatrist whom I am seeing today, as a matter of fact. More medication (yes, Soulsucker, the only reason I have a psychiatrist is to maintain my current level of medication...you moron). So I called Calvin's Mom and asked if she might see me again, even though she was my second choice at the time, and I'll ask the psychiatrist for a referral to another younger psychologist and then make my mind up, such as it is. Sent 2.0 an email, delivered at 12:30 a.m., which asked for "one compelling reason why I should continue to see her given her transitory situation". I feel like I can't go back to see her now, now that the pit is deep and swirling. I really like 2.0 and thought I could work with her for a while but that is no longer an option.
So how do I feel? Sleepless for a number of days, in spite of taking sleeping pills before bed. Yesterday I was constantly cold, which is another feature of my depression. I finally warmed up in bed so that after the pineapple miscue I was able to bring myself to take a shower. I have withdrawn from friends and made sure to tell them that it wasn't about them. I don't know how 2.0 will respond, if she will at all, to my email. I am anxious, more of a litany of symptoms that are plaguing me now. Music, which is my solace is not right now. And today, which is now Thursday, we have a meeting of staff to discuss phone ringer settings, an issue I think that has been directly raised by the Magic Plastic Tuna, because , God forbid, she should be annoyed by anything like a phone ringing. As if her phone doesn't ring several times a day and she engages in long discussions with Medicare or her ex-husband about working conditions in Tech Services. I believe she is creating a hostile work environment and management is permitting this to happen. Every time I raise an issue about noise levels and MPT's contribution to that level of noise I get no response. But let her craziness reign supreme and it is fodder for a Tech Services wide meeting. I am not of a mood right now to suffer fools gladly and she is on my fools' list. Depressed and angry, that is I.
So what should you do? Nothing. Don't ask me if I want to do something for a diversion. Don't ask me if you can help. Don't. That is my advice. I will pull out of this in time, as it has already progressed from the tearful stage to a more complex depression and I do see the psychiatrist today. And he will adjust medication and I will cease seeing 2.0 and merely move on, slowly at first and then more to your liking. I'll be back...just give me time and space
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