Exhaustion

I have just been exhausted of late.  Whether there is an emotional component to that I know not.  I am tired when i go to couch (no bed...yet). And tired when I get up.  Tired all day.  Some may be subliminal depression waiting to hear about the house.  Some is due to the impeding holidays.  I have a Yahrzeit in late December and that always brings a moodiness.  It's like I am always waiting for something bad to happen around the holidays.  My grandmother was killed a little over a month after her 90th birthday in a car accident in which she was a passenger in a car in a funeral procession.  This is how long ago it was.  A Montgomery Ward truck ran into the procession and my aunt who was the driver was seriously injured and never the same after that.  Her sisters were someone injured but required no hositalization.  My grandmother was sitting behind the driver.  Killed.  Like that.  The arrangements were a clusterfux of her sisters and my parents engaging in an argument over where they would sit Shiva.  The house in Detroit, well, was in Detroit and all the family other than my parents lived in the suburbs.  So we had a split Shiva.  I was a mess.  In shock, dealing with a cousin who was told by my grandmother to watch out for me (apparently at 31 I couldn't care for myself).  What my grandmother never knew is that cousin abused me when I was five and I had no regards for him and his wife.  Which also was borne out by his actions after aunt Martha passed away and their manipulation of her last wishes and her estate.

Like I said I was in shock for months afterwards.  Probably what contributed to my breakdown a few years later.  Friends thought it would be a nice idea to take me to a movie.  So we saw the Color Purple and I wept throughout the movie and this didn't help matters.  Having the breakdown was more beneficial.

So because of this I have uneasy feelings about this time of year.  Making it to the 1st of the year is always a victory.  Waiting for the holidays to pass is always a chore and waiting to hear about the house is making the waiting agonizing.

So, dear friends, treat me with kindness and kid gloves this time of year.  Enjoy your holidays and remember not all of us are festive.  Mainly stressed and anxious.  This all happened twenty nine years ago and it's as if it just happened.  Given the youth of my parents and my mother's alcoholism it was my grandmother who did most of the raising and it always angered my mother that I felt closer to her mother than to her.  Oh well.  Matters not now.  An orphan the storms I have only memories and not always pleasant ones.