Gang aft agley

Or thus goes the best laid plans.  Early returns on the upcoming holiday season are not going too well.  Gastric is having me over for Thanksgiving and I must make a pecan pie.  Plans for Hanukkah and Christmas, not so much.  A planned post Hanukkah meal, a non traditional annual pasta celebration now looks as if it may not come off, leaving me bereft on Christmas Day, not my holiday but still a poor time to be alone.  Jerry, my late neighbor, but not so late then, and I always had a delightful holiday repast of prime rib and all the fixings.  That morphed in a pasta party, which was delightful, but now that may not come to fruition and right now I am not in a good place to even want it enough to plan.  I was up most of the night fretting over what I might do.  I can plan on a new home in my future and entertaining there and I will not rely on another to entertain with.  Gastric has her own family and I have none, basically, so after Hanukkah I will be cocooning for the winter months with the cats.  Maybe I will make a nice meal for me and the boys.  A nice shrimp cocktail for the boys.  Of a sudden I am feeling more lonely and tired as if I am at the end of a long journey to Me.  I treat friends the way I want to be treated and should that not be reciprocated that always leaves me depressed and wondering why I have even tried.  But my best may not be enough.  If you think you can buy friends, well, you get what you paid for.  When I hurt I hurt to my core and there is no better word than bereft.  Maybe my father was right.  You have lots of acquaintances but very few real friends.  And between the Soul Sucker, the wife of Urinal, and scattered bits and pieces this has not be a great year for acquaintances.  I guess I need to learn to take care of myself first.  How can I be happy when I am hurting?  And why do I let myself get so hurt by thoughtless people. 

This is a very hard time of year for me, as it is for many people, when it is all too apparent what we have lost.  Do I need a new house, well, yes, and it is also part of the journey.  As I listen to You Are My Sunshine and reminisce about the Aunties and our holidays I am indeed bereft.  I am truly hurting and yet don't feel like I can confront the source of the pain.  Maybe Hyphen and all the Pseudo-Hyphens will be able to offer some succor.