So I have been reading this book Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward. Her contention is we become enmeshed in a FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt) and I must admit I find her argument compelling. I am only a few pages into the book and already I can see myself as having allowed myself to be emotionally blackmailed by Patricia. I do feel guilt regarding her plight, what ever it may be at a given moment. So I went and got her popsicles yesterday when I would have preferred to laze about the house. And when I returned with the popsicles I found there were plenty in her freezer. I made her dinner...DINNER, mind you, and while she slept on my sofa I continued to read the book and I doubt if she made any connection. I don't fear her, but I so feel a sense of obligation and guilt. I take care of people, even when I don't want to. I really need to read the book. I am just dreading the possibility that she might clog my toilet up with a variety of substance. She has my key, I have her key. That really was a safety valve in case either one of us locked ourselves out of our condos. I never intended her to let herself in and use my bathroom and do God knows what. And if she needed popsicles so bad, why didn't she hop in her car and get them herself. And why am I such a schmuck? And I guess to some extend I do fear her. Fear her emotional swings. I do believe she is a borderline personality. I hate you...don't go away. Kind of an emotional push me pull you.
Well, I think this week I will, in small steps, be more assertive and less giving. I need to protect myself. I need more time with my music. Music is my religion. And I really don't want to go down Wednesday to watch a repeat of Jeopardy. That is my guilt speaking if I do go down.
Oh, well, tis a mystery...
No comments:
Post a Comment