Yes, dear reader(s), today we discuss walking turtles. First some background. I have some rather severe nerve deafness in my left ear which dates to when I was a baby and was very ill with a high fever. My parents bathed me in alcohol to bring the fever down. I did end up in the hospital. It is thought that between the fever and the alcohol baths I lost that hearing. Consequently, when I have trouble hearing what has just been said, I pause, just to process what I just heard and come up with what I think was said. A friend who we shall call Gastric said she was having some issues with gas and said she had the walking tootles. I, of course, heard walking turtles. So that has become the universal euphemism for the passing of gas or flatus, as it were. This Gastric Friend is on medication that facilitates walking turtles.
More background. I have had colitis for over forty years and have a pet ulcer named Ursula, who is, sadly, leaving me. Between the two conditions I have my share of walking turtles. Further background. I have a very base sense of humor concerning walking turtles and I do tend to giggle at the sound of a hearty belch and don't get me started on farts. Well, come on: if you have your share of gastric ailments, you either cower in shame or greet it with a sense of humor. I opt for humor. And I am not alone, as my friend and I share the turtles frequently after lunch and I end up laughing my proverbial ass off. Which brings us to the Soul Sucker.
Thems that has no sense of humor concerning walking turtles need not read any farther.
I had a friend, who we now call the Soul Sucker. She used to have lunch with my Gastric and myself. My gastric friend belched rather loudly after lunch and the Soul Sucker said "That wasn't necessary", when, in fact, it was. And the situation was not made any better by my laughter. Low common denominator of my humor. Since that exchange the groundwork was set for the Soul Sucker to suck the joy out of our lives. She continued to lunch with us but also continued to distance herself. Now, my gastric friend is rather bright, as opposed to the Soul Sucker. The Soul Sucker often missed what was being said in jest by us. We call us the Gastric Pair of Walking Turtles. Wait, that is rather long. Let's just say Gastric and me.
More background. Soul Sucker used to be a fairly dependable friend in terms of taking me to Detroit for family funerals, of which there have been too many of late. She purchased a new car. When I approached her about a ride, she said she wouldn't take me because of the new car. She didn't want to take it to Detroit. I was very upset, both by the death of my aunt and by the Soul Sucker's refusal. I managed to get a ride from a gooder friend, who was rather sick at the time but still took time from work to take me to the funeral, which will be the subject of another post. When I returned to work, I put up a sign letting co-workers know I was sitting Shiva for my aunt and to only approach me with work related issues. I didn't break or lunch for a week. Part of this was due to my anger at the Soul Sucker's response to my request for a ride to Detroit. I didn't want to be outwardly angry and thought some time would give the anger a rest. When I finally joined those friends for lunch, the Soul Sucker got up, pointed at my gastric friend's and my lunch, said she wasn't going to take it anymore, and ran off. To this day I have no idea of what prompted that.
This was in early December. We had an rather severe ice storm later in the month and Gastric Friend had a houseful of family who had lost power. I was still rather depressed about my aunt's passing. But the Soul Sucker wanted to get together that week to discuss what had transpired the week of the lunch incident. Neither Gastric or I had time at that point. Finally in January it all came to a head. She wanted to meet with me and Gastric separately, but we said as we had all been friends we wanted to do it together. I proposed some ground rules, like we should sit in chairs in a circle. She got to that meeting, sat at the table, asked me to sign paperwork relieving her of the medical power of attorney for me (something I had done months previous when I set up a trust). I knew the meeting from that point would only get worse. She left angry and tearful, Gastric and I left confused and dazed. Less than a month later, with no warning the Soul Sucker came in on a weekend, cleared her cube out and retired. To be honest, Gastric and I were relieved, and really not too surprised.
In any event, we now have the freedom to let the turtles walk where they may. What I like best about my walking turtles is when I have my headphones on I believe I can let them turtles walk with impunity.
Let the day begin. Turtles, Ho!
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